I have spent the last few days pondering a lot about the meaning behind making significant life decisions, and the respective beginnings and endings that come with them. Because trying something different usually means leaving behind what was our life up until now.
Then there are those times where you get thrust into such a period of upheaval, where you didn’t quite intend on making significant changes, but life has a way of waking you up when you get too comfortable. Happiness is fleeting, and needs to be respected and appreciated when it’s there, because it could be gone in an instant.
Five years ago, I had this stark split in my conception of my life, where my professional life was blooming and I was on top of the world, while my personal life was a wreck. I wasn’t even able to contemplate new beginnings for fear of the ending that would inevitably ensue…
Needless to say, I’ve grown a lot. I’ve learned that life is largely more nuanced than I gave it credit for; I had beautiful moments in both my personal and professional lives, and I am immensely grateful for having lived through them. I have also had more tumultuous moments, learning to recognize when a situation is beyond my ability to handle it and what situations are truly worth sticking for.
I had a situation I thought was worth sticking for. A wonderful, loving, deeply intimate relationship that I cherish more than anything, that I was willing to move heaven and earth for. A relationship that, through its difficulties, helped me grow as a partner, learn how to be better, and allowed me for the first time in my life to feel deep trust and safety at home.
Unfortunately, sometimes profound love isn’t enough to keep things together; growth happens at a different pace for different people, and some people need space of their own to grow, distinct from any relationship. Whatever the rational answers may be, sometimes broken hearts can’t be mended, even with the best intentions in the world
Sometimes, loving them really does mean setting them free. Free to make their own path, their own mistakes, their own victories, their own life. Sometimes, the ending is a necessary evil to pave the way for a fruitful beginning, in the same way burning forests pave the way for something new down the road.
Somewhere in there, I hope the seeds I lovingly sowed for three years stay put and bloom into something beautiful after the pain of the storm has subsided.
As for me, I leave with a stronger outlook on life and relationships, knowing that this beautiful love exists, it just needs to be sowed and cared for again. It may not look identical, but it will be equally beautiful, the same way a rose and a tulip each have their own beauty.
But knowing I’ve rowed all the way to where we stopped rowing as a team, I am at peace that I brought everything to the table, that I possibly could have. I leave with my head high, secure in the fact that I gave this person, this partnership everything I had.
I am, however, still left puzzled and wondering where things went wrong. Why does love fade like a withering bouquet of flowers? What’s the missing ingredient I’m missing for making love last? If all the care I’m physically able to give isn’t enough to make it last, then is there hope for me?
Which brings me back to the endings…and this thought gnawing at me that maybe, just maybe, love isn’t meant to last. Maybe it’s meant to help you grow, then wilt away once it’s taught you what it can.